I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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