remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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