Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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