i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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