WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
