im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
