all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
