Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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