some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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