When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
