I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
