There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize