I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
