I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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