Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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