4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
