evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
