where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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