The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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