pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
How external is "for external use only"?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize