we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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