Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
