from now on my penis is your penis
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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