i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
