census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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