'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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