My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
