I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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