I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
