Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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