we have officially lost it.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize