he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
