i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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