Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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