when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just gargled with NyQuil
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
