I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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