Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Let's get the cat blown out
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
