I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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