You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
