You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
