you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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