Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
