Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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