this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You have to summon your inner elephant
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
