So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
