Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
