my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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