He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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