I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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