Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
