my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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