I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
