I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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