Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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