I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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