I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
